Just call me q

A woman contemplating life, incognito

What the cluck! I’m turning into a chicken…

Aug
31

 

Help!

I’ve got these horrible little bumps all over my arms and my legs that make me look like a freshly plucked bird – and I don’t mean of the tweezered female lady-girl-woman kind.

And, okay, I know I shouldn’t be too worried about them because I’ve had them for years, and I know exactly what they are (they’re a skin condition called keratosis pilaris), but – for some strange reason – they seem to be getting worse and I don’t know why.

 

keratosis pilaris chicken skin ingrowing hair follicles justcallmeq Q queline

My keratosis pilaris! I know it’s not Christmas but I put it inside a bauble. I thought it best.

 

Could it be that I’m lacking in some kind of vitamin or nutrient maybe? (Mmm, a possibility…)

Am I eating too much of something? (Apart from cake… Please God, don’t make it be cake.)

Or perhaps it’s because my body hasn’t seen a flannel/scrubbing mitt/dry-skin brush for the best part of three decades. (No. That’s far too simple. It couldn’t possibly be that.)

Ah. I know what it is! It’s because I am, in fact, turning into a chicken.

 

ex-battery chicken Semi Floppy Fork Pam BHWT backyard hen justcallmeq Q queline

This chicken has been heavily disguised to protect its identity.

 

Yes. Yes. I knew that if I thought about it logically I’d get there in the end. Ahhh, great. Well, that’s sorted then, isn’t it? I can carry on living my life.

No, wait.

What if someone tries to stick an onion up my bottom and roast me on Gas mark 5?

 

roast chicken keratosis pilaris justcallmeq Q queline chicken skin ingrowing hair follicles

 

Oh, cluck! I hadn’t thought of that.

I think it’s time I started an exfoliating regime.

 

I have a foot obsession… I mean confession

Aug
24

 

As you know, I have already revealed that my feet are flat and that I have ginormously big big toes, but here is a list of all the other things that are wrong with my trotters:

1) The rest of my toes are actually quite abnormally long too BUT I have perfected the art of curling them elegantly yet tightly underneath themselves so that they look half their actual length. It’s complete agony but it works.

flat feet athletes foot fungal nail infection big toes justcallmeq Q queline

2) I am the proud owner of a family of veruccae that go back six generations.

3) The ridges in my toenails are deeper than even the deepest Atlantic oceanic trench… but I’ve yet to see an angler fish in them.

cartoon picture angler fish justcallmeq Q queline

4) I have a recurring fungal nail infection that I’m sure, if I got up early enough, I could collect mushrooms from.

fungal nail infection athletes foot cartoon picure justcallmeq Q queline

5) The skin underneath my feet is harder than a mountain goat’s hoof… and just as yellow.

And, finally,

6) I have a bunion the size of a pickled onion; and I’m not talking the silverskin kind.

bunion justcallmeq Q queline

(Look how I have cunningly disguised my bunion

to blend in with the weave of my plastic garden rug..)

 

But the above list is not what I want to confess.

What I want to confess is that I can’t stand touching other people’s feet.

 

YUCK!

Can YOU???

 

It’s not easy having the lower limbs of a root vegetable…

Aug
17

 

Imagine a torso sitting ‘atop two parsnips…

Well, that’s me.

thick thighs big botty root vegetable legs thigh cellulite justcallmeq Q queline

 

I have the most incredibly spindly ankles but – as you work your way up my legs – they widen out continuously until – BOOM!!! (thick thighs) – they’ve more than quadrupled in size. In fact,  if I were mathematical (which I’m not), I’d have to say that you’d be looking at a ratio of at least 6:1. (No, really.)

And it’s annoying because people who don’t know me tend to think that, because of my cocktail stick-like ankles* (and because I hide my botty so well), I’m skinny all over… but I’m not!

flamingo justcallmeq Q queline

 

They don’t realize that, underneath my (carefully selected) clothing, hide

THESE:

 

thick thighs root vegetable legs justcallmeq Q queline

 

Actually, I’ve jazzed them up a little bit too much. Underneath my (carefully selected) clothing hide

THESE:

 

thick thighs root vegetable legs justcallmeq Q queline

 

Actually, I confess, I haven’t jazzed them up at all. If you look very closely at the piccy above you will see that – instead of my pins – I have, in fact, substituted a couple of real parsnips. (No, look closely… I have.)

And, sadly, as a result of being the unfortunate owner of a pair of pastinaca sativas (as they say in latin), I find that following fashion is nigh on impossible.

Patterned tights, for example, are out: the distortion of the stretched fabric once past the knees? (Say no more.)

Leggings, jeggings or any other type of lower-body clothing with lycra in it are out too. The ‘give’ in the material is… what can I say? – truly unforgiving.

And as for flares, well, because it’s practically impossible to predict when their endless yards of material are going to billow and wrap themselves around the most bizarrely disproportionate and, quite frankly, freakiest-looking part of my body (thus accentuating the problem), I can never truly relax in them.

So, yes, ummm… forgive me if I say it again – won’t you? – but… it’s not easy having the lower limbs of root vegetable. 

 

*Sorry, I couldn’t find a cocktail stick so I had to use a plastic flamingo pick instead. I would absolutely   love to have legs shaped like a plastic flamingo stick… but without the bird at the top, obvs.