Just call me q

A woman contemplating life, incognito

Keratosis Pilaris Part Two: The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Nov
30

 

Having Keratosis Pilaris (or ‘chicken skin’ as cruel people like to call it) is a curse – make no mistake about it. But, sometimes – and I feel a bit strange saying this but nobody knows me so it doesn’t matter – I actually quite enjoy having it.

Yes, because when there’s not much on the telly, and after I’ve fed the cat and put the chickens to bed, I love nothing more than to sit with my legs propped up – a pair of tweezers in one hand and a hot chocolate in the other – and to hunt for any lower leg hairs that have become trapped, through no fault of their own, under my skin.

 

cartoon picture of plucking leg hair with tweezers

 

And, you know, I can’t tell you the amount of hours that I’ve idled away carrying out this quite gross but actually extremely necessary activity (it’s probably double-figures) but I never tire of it… because no hair is ever the same.

Sometimes I get a long one, sometimes I get a curled-up one and sometimes I hit the jackpot with a ‘doubler.’ Woo-hoo! Two for the price of one.

 

cartoon picture of hair follicles

 

And what can I compare the pleasure of plucking to?

Metal-detecting, I suppose… yes, it’s exactly like metal-detecting. You go over the same area a couple of times – “blip-blip” nothing – and then “bleeeeep” you get a doubler. It’s so exciting.

And when I’m done I always feel a slight sense of sadness… but not for long…

because Keratosis Pilaris is the gift that keeps on giving and I know that, provided I don’t use my skin-mitt or flannel or skin-brush for a week or so, they’ll be back and – yeay! – it’ll be ‘tweezer and hot choccy time’ again. I can’t wait.

 

cartoon picture of woman with hot chocolate and pair of tweezers

 

I Can’t Help My Face…

Nov
23

 

I can’t help my face in both senses of the words.

I can’t help my face as in there are no creams or lotions or potions (and I’ve tried loads, believe you me) that make me look younger.

 

Cartoon picture of my wrinkly face

 

And I can’t help my face as in “I can’t help it. I’m sorry”.

 

I'm sorry picture

 

10 Valid Reasons Why I Choose Not To Exercise Today

Nov
16

cartoon spider

1 – There’s a spider in the corner of my bedroom and I won’t be able to concentrate on my star-jumps.

2 – I noticed – when I bent down to take my tights off – that my toenails need cutting.

3 – I’m wearing a cape. It’s going to be tricky… especially the roly-polys.

4 – When I look at myself in the mirror, without my glasses on and in semi-darkness, I don’t actually look that bad. (Admittedly, I am still wearing the cape.) 

 5 – I ate two custard doughnuts and a box of Maltesers last night and I know I’m gonna do the same tonight so what’s the point?

6 – I’ve got three episodes of The Apprentice to catch up on.

7 – I’m cold.

8 – I’m tired.

9 – I’m hungry. (Is it too early for a doughnut?) 

10 – I just lay on the floor ready to start my ‘floor warm-up’ and all the bones in my spine clicked into place and that is enough.

 

bones in spine cartoon

I Am Staying Indoors Until Someone Invents A Pair Of Slippery Woolly Tights

Nov
09

 

I’d like to say that I welcome each coming season equally and with open arms… but I don’t. Because, you see, whereas Spring makes me zing,

 

spring flowers grape hyacinths daffodils cartoon

 

Summer makes me smile (and, admittedly, sweat)

 

sweating in the summer sun cartoon

 

and Winter is just wonderful

 

cartoon snowman in snow globe

 

– autumn, for me, is just a complete nightmare.

Oh, don’t get me wrong, I rejoice in the changing colours of the falling leaves,

 

cartoon tree in autumn

 

I relish the wind whipping through my (already messy) hair

 

messy hair in the wind cartoon

 

and I love to watch with wonder as the squirrels sprint around collecting nuts for winter

 

squirrel pushing an acorn in a trolley cartoon

 

but…

how can I be expected to put one foot outside my front door when – thanks to my very warm and fashionable (but very rough and fuzzy) woolly tights – my A-line skirt insists on riding half way up my legs* to reveal the chubbiest set of knees this side of the Northern hemisphere BEFORE I’VE EVEN MADE IT TO THE END OF MY DRIVE?

 

chubby knees in woolly tights cartoon queline justcallmeq Q

 

Exactly. I can’t. And so that is why I am staying indoors until someone invents a pair of slippery woolly tights.

 

woolly tights and chubby knees cartoon

 

 

*And, yes, the legs still look like root vegetables. Thankyou for asking.