Cakes, biscuits, chocolate and anything else that has a massively high sugar content Archives

I’ll have the one that looks like a mole please…

I know it’s nearly winter but the other day I bought an ice cream and – I’m not joking – it had a face.

Here… look:

cartoon comic mole justcallmeq Q queline

Yes, I’m looking up at MY right, but YOUR left. Don’t ask me why; it just feels comfortable…

I mean, are manufacturers even allowed to sell products like these? It could scare children. Goodness knows it frightened the life out of me.

And I’m not being funny but isn’t putting a face on a choc-ice cruelty to animals in a strange sort of way? I’m a part-time vegetarian and even I felt a bit queasy when I opened the wrapper and out popped this:

No-one has ever seen the underbelly of a real mole this close up before. Not even David Attenborough (I don’t think)…

As I scrutinized its chocolatey exterior (looking for fur) I wondered why on earth a manufacturer would actually want to take a short-sighted, cylindrical-shaped creature with large claws, small eyes and a penchant for worms and turn it into a frozen treat.

Did they have a mole-shaped mould lurking in the back of their stock-cupboard that needed using up?

I knew that I’d never be able to answer such a myriad of questions before my icey subterranean mammal-on-a-stick melted so I did the only thing that I could do: I ate it. But it felt wrong.

Sometimes moles and choc-ices get confused.

Cakes, biscuits, chocolate and anything else that has a massively high sugar content, Uncategorised choc ice, ice-cream, ice-lolly, mole, moles 0 Comment

I have a pancake factory in my back garden…

Oct

No, I’m not lying; I really do have a pancake factory in my back garden and I have three very hard-working girls on the factory floor.

(I used to have four girls helping me out but sadly last week, Semi, my Second-in command ‘moved on.’ Yes, it was an extremely traumatic time for us all and I hope you don’t mind but I’m not quite ready to talk about it yet. One day maybe… but not today, if that’s okay.)

Anyway, back to my hard-working trio (as they now are) and – thanks to them – they’ve made running my fantastic pancake factory a breeze. “How so?” I hear you ask. Well, because each morning at sun-rise they cluck on – whoops, I mean clock on – whether I’m awake or not, and then just get straight on with their work.

They regularly go the eggstra mile for me by producing one egg per laying unit per shift, which is great when I have a particularly large pancake order to fulfill. (What am I saying? I always have a large pancake order to fulfill).

And since day one I can honestly say that I’ve never heard any of them use fowl language. I know; pretty amazing considering their genetics.

And, okay, so I will admit that my lovely ladies don’t live on fresh air. Why, since they’ve kindly agreed to come and work for me they’ve got through (among other things):

6 x 20 kg sacks of pellets (yum),

8 bags of organic porridge (only the best for my team) and

18 packets of dried worms (?!).

hen food ex-battery chickens BHWT justcallmeq Q queline

But I’m certainly not going to grumble about it because, in 334 days, they’ve supplied me with the grand total of 322 ‘(nest) box-fresh’ eggs which I’ve used to make not only pancakes but also fried eggs, boiled eggs, scrambled eggs, poached eggs, egg sandwiches, omelettes, cookies and cakes…

Hey, I’ve just re-read that last bit and how pretty darn great does that sound? I’d be a fool not to ask them if they want to stay on for another year, don’t you think? Yes, so, sorry but I must dash… because I have exactly 22 days to get a fresh contract drawn up for them. With (c)luck the pancake factory WILL continue.

Cakes, biscuits, chocolate and anything else that has a massively high sugar content, Chickens... as in Floppy, Semi, Fork and Pam BHWT, chickens, eggs, ex-battery chickens, ex-battery hens, ex-batts, hens, pancakes 4 Comments

I’m not that young anymore but…

Oct

Sometimes I’m glad that I’m not that young anymore.

(I can say that because no-one knows this is me.)

Because with age comes freedom; the freedom to:

bake cakes and eat them;

buy a caravan, sell the caravan;

Perle vintage caravan retro kitsch caravanning justcallmeq Q queline

Oh. Perle, I miss you so much but you had to go. You were so small and so cramped and if we wanted to go to the toilet in the middle of the night we had to trek to the wash facilities…

keep hens and make cute things;

cute handmade craft sewing gingerbread man justcallmeq Q queline

… and I’m only 3cm high!

wear pink and love my lawn flamingos:

Don Featherstone iconic pink plastic lawn flamingo retro kitsch justcallmeq Q queline

I love you Don Featherstone, by the way…

go crazy for kitsch, bake more cakes or, if I’m short of time (and the hens haven’t laid any eggs) go out and eat other people’s cakes and – perhaps, best of all – with age comes the freedom to

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lie about how old I am!

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(Well, like I’ve said in my ‘Categories’ – you know, that bit on the right hand side of my blog – I shall never reveal my age unless I am forced to and even then I’ll lie. It’s just something I do…)

My first post! Wooh-hooooo…

Jul

Ah, that’s it. The hard part’s over. Now that I have my very own space on the worldwide web – where I can anonymously jot down any little thoughts that pop into my head – I can relax. Yes, because no-one knows this is me; no-one knows that I’m here, and no-one is going to come up to me tomorrow morning and say:

1) do you really think about cellulite 15-20 times a day?

2) does your mum mind that you get all your self-help and ‘weirdy’ books delivered to her house and that the postman thinks she’s nuts?

and

3) why do you keep ’emergency’ biscuits in the tumble dryer and, more importantly, WHAT EXACTLY CONSTITUTES AN EMERGENCY?

Ahh, this is great, this is. I can say what I like…

Oh, alright then, I will!

“I have a huge bottom.” (Boy, that feels good.)

“My feet are flat and I have ginormously big big toes.” (Wait a mo, will you, while I punch the air with my fist?) Done.

“I have rubbish hair, my eyes don’t work, my thighs undulate and I have a cake addiction so severe that I could probably do with a stint in rehab.”

YEAH! This is just so liberating. I don’t know why I didn’t start a blog years ago. Oh, well. Never mind. I’ve started now and that’s what counts.

Goodnight brave anonymous me. Xx

Body bits, Cakes, biscuits, chocolate and anything else that has a massively high sugar content, cellulite and all things beastly, Flat feet, me, Messy hair, My big bottom. It's here, and it's not going away any time soon... unfortunately Big bottom, cake, cellulite, flat feet, incognito, messy hair 0 Comment