Just call me q

A woman contemplating life, incognito

10 Valid Reasons Why I Choose Not To Exercise Today

Nov
16

cartoon spider

1 – There’s a spider in the corner of my bedroom and I won’t be able to concentrate on my star-jumps.

2 – I noticed – when I bent down to take my tights off – that my toenails need cutting.

3 – I’m wearing a cape. It’s going to be tricky… especially the roly-polys.

4 – When I look at myself in the mirror, without my glasses on and in semi-darkness, I don’t actually look that bad. (Admittedly, I am still wearing the cape.) 

 5 – I ate two custard doughnuts and a box of Maltesers last night and I know I’m gonna do the same tonight so what’s the point?

6 – I’ve got three episodes of The Apprentice to catch up on.

7 – I’m cold.

8 – I’m tired.

9 – I’m hungry. (Is it too early for a doughnut?) 

10 – I just lay on the floor ready to start my ‘floor warm-up’ and all the bones in my spine clicked into place and that is enough.

 

bones in spine cartoon

Me and my big botty

Jul
20

 

It’s no good! I can’t (A-line) skirt around the issue any longer… I have a big botty; a big, round, white, soft, squishy one.

And I know that I should embrace it because we’re in the moment’ of the bountiful booty (think Kim Kardashian, think Iggy Azalea, think Beyonce) but I can’t – partly because I don’t want to and partly because it’s behind me… so I can’t reach.

So I’ve been sat here sitting on my plump, pillowy posterior wondering… what exactly should I do about it?

Should I ignore it perhaps – pretend it’s not there?

Or should I find ways of making my mahoosive ‘mother of a mountain range’ a might less visible?

I know what I’ll do… I’ll write down some of the tricks that I’ve employed in the past, and then I’ll see if I can come up with any ways to improve upon them in the future. Yes, that’s what I’ll do. Okay, so here goes:

In the past:

1) I’ve worn dark colours on my lower half.

 

big botty bottom justcallmeq Q queline A-line skirt

 

(I think that this could only be improved upon if I were able to get hold of some of that paint that NASA uses on its stealth bombers, you know, to make them invisible..?)

2) I’ve worn long length cardys/jumpers.

(Which has been fine in the winter months but utterly unbearable in summer, so there is some room for improvement with this one, I feel.)

3) I’ve refused to wear leggings.

(And I’m sorry but I will continue to give them a wide berth until someone can come up with a stretch fabric that doesn’t give me a wide berth.)

3) I’ve tried going last in queues so that no-one gets to see the back of me (which has made shopping trips a complete nightmare as you can imagine and is virtually impossible in this age of 24 hour opening that we live in).

(I could ‘get with the times,’ I suppose… shop online and have my food delivered?)

4) I have actively sought out walls to back up against so that (as above) no-one gets to see the back of me.

 

big botty bottom justcallmeq Q queline

 

(This one has only ever worked in mazes so I don’t know why I put that one.)

and finally

5) I’ve avoided any ‘high-viz’ activities such as bowling, jogging, swimming (other than back-stroke, of course), cycling, dancing, running and walking. Come to think of it, I’ve avoided any activity ending in the word ‘ing’… including living.

Oh, my goodness. I’ve just re-read that last bit and… how sad.

I can see now that I’ve let my bottom dictate my whole life. How limiting is that? I simply must learn to embrace it before it’s too late. I must, I must, and I will… right after I’ve given NASA a quick ring to see if they’ve got any of that paint going spare.

 

nasa big botty bottom justcallmeq Q queline