Just call me q

A woman contemplating life, incognito

Dear Twitter, I am (temporarily) leaving you…

Jul
27

My Dearest Darling Twitter,

It is with heavy heart and deep regret that I have to inform you… I am (temporarily) leaving you.

We seem to have been spending an inordinate amount of time together recently; so much so that everything else has gone by the wayside.

My chickens are having to collect their own eggs. (Yes, Twitter, you didn’t know that I kept hens, did you? No, well, they’re ex-batts and they’re great and I’ll tell you about them some time.)

Twitter ex-battery chickens bhwt Floppy Semi Fork Pam backyard hens justcallmeq Q queline

 

The cat thinks I’ve died; it’s been so long since she’s been fed.

 

Twitter cat justcallmeq Q queline

 

And my house is so disgustingly messy that it required a good ten minutes, the other morning, persuading the postman that I hadn’t been burgled (and I’m not sure he quite believed me even then).

But, dear Twitter, my dad coming round…

seeing my wet-suit hanging up in the utility room…

and saying “why is it so distorted?” is the main reason that I am (temporarily) leaving you.

 

Twitter big botty bottom bodyboarding justcallmeq Q queline

 

Yes, because I have exactly two weeks to reduce the size of my backside before I go body-boarding in Cornwall. Please wish me luck. I think I’m going to need it.

Yours truly

Q xxx

Me and my big botty

Jul
20

 

It’s no good! I can’t (A-line) skirt around the issue any longer… I have a big botty; a big, round, white, soft, squishy one.

And I know that I should embrace it because we’re in the moment’ of the bountiful booty (think Kim Kardashian, think Iggy Azalea, think Beyonce) but I can’t – partly because I don’t want to and partly because it’s behind me… so I can’t reach.

So I’ve been sat here sitting on my plump, pillowy posterior wondering… what exactly should I do about it?

Should I ignore it perhaps – pretend it’s not there?

Or should I find ways of making my mahoosive ‘mother of a mountain range’ a might less visible?

I know what I’ll do… I’ll write down some of the tricks that I’ve employed in the past, and then I’ll see if I can come up with any ways to improve upon them in the future. Yes, that’s what I’ll do. Okay, so here goes:

In the past:

1) I’ve worn dark colours on my lower half.

 

big botty bottom justcallmeq Q queline A-line skirt

 

(I think that this could only be improved upon if I were able to get hold of some of that paint that NASA uses on its stealth bombers, you know, to make them invisible..?)

2) I’ve worn long length cardys/jumpers.

(Which has been fine in the winter months but utterly unbearable in summer, so there is some room for improvement with this one, I feel.)

3) I’ve refused to wear leggings.

(And I’m sorry but I will continue to give them a wide berth until someone can come up with a stretch fabric that doesn’t give me a wide berth.)

3) I’ve tried going last in queues so that no-one gets to see the back of me (which has made shopping trips a complete nightmare as you can imagine and is virtually impossible in this age of 24 hour opening that we live in).

(I could ‘get with the times,’ I suppose… shop online and have my food delivered?)

4) I have actively sought out walls to back up against so that (as above) no-one gets to see the back of me.

 

big botty bottom justcallmeq Q queline

 

(This one has only ever worked in mazes so I don’t know why I put that one.)

and finally

5) I’ve avoided any ‘high-viz’ activities such as bowling, jogging, swimming (other than back-stroke, of course), cycling, dancing, running and walking. Come to think of it, I’ve avoided any activity ending in the word ‘ing’… including living.

Oh, my goodness. I’ve just re-read that last bit and… how sad.

I can see now that I’ve let my bottom dictate my whole life. How limiting is that? I simply must learn to embrace it before it’s too late. I must, I must, and I will… right after I’ve given NASA a quick ring to see if they’ve got any of that paint going spare.

 

nasa big botty bottom justcallmeq Q queline

 

My second post: Just a quick Woo-hoo, perhaps? Ok. Maybe not…

Jul
18

Good morning, brave, anonymous and slightly worried me.

Did I give too much away the other night? Oh, I do hope not. I can’t have anyone knowing where my ’emergency’ biscuits are; I simply can’t. I mean, what if a real-life situation requiring instant sugar were ever to occur? How would I survive without my oat crumblies? How?

Waaahhh! Why am I even thinking about my crumblies? I should be panicking about concentrating on staying under the radar so that I can just write whatever I want to write.

But what if people recognize the big botty, horrid hair and terrible trotters combo and decide to ‘out’ me?

 

big botty justcallmeq Q queline

Big botty

messy hair justcallmeq Q queline

Horrid hair

terrible trotters flat feet justcallmeq Q queline

Terrible trotters

Oh, piggy poo poo’s. I can’t let my insecurities ruin it for me – I just can’t. Tomorrow, I write the first thing that comes into my head and we’ll take it from there.