Just call me q

A woman contemplating life, incognito

Spring Cleaning


Sprucing Up The Panes

Cartoon picture of lady staring at dirty windows and speech bubble saying "oh, I just know that cleaning this window will set off a chain of events that'll lead to nothing short of disaster..."

If you get the urge to do a spot of spring cleaning over the coming weeks do not, under any circumstances, attempt to clean the inside of your windows. No, because it will set off a whole chain of events that’ll lead to nothing short of disaster. And how do I know this to be true? Well, because that’s exactly what happened to me when I decided – a week ago – to spruce up my panes so that the window-cleaner would know exactly which was his dirt and which was mine the next time he came to visit.

Deep Joy

Cartoon picture of a view of a neighbours' conservatory from a window with man in conservatory saying "Oi! What you staring at, luv?"

Oh, don’t get me wrong, the results (which took just over a day and a half) were spectacular: glistening glass, deep joy and a clear view of the rear neighbours’ conservatory, but it then meant that the frames had to be done to match. So I opened the windows – in order to access all the hidden surface areas – but there was so much dirt, dust, spiders and mud lodged in the recesses that I was forced to spend a further day and a half hoovering that out too.

Bottle Of Cif

Cartoon picture of Cif cleaning agent and a toothbrush.

And it didn’t stop there. Oh, no. Because some of the dirt had become so ingrained I had to go in with a wet toothbrush and a bottle of Cif to finish the job off.


Cartoon picture of ladie's head and diary with speech bubble saying "Oh, it's no good. I really must get a twelve year diary next time..."

Anyway, in the end the whole process took six days and on the seventh day I re… What? No, of course I didn’t rest, silly. I’m not God. No, on the seventh day I realised that, after twelve years of accumulated dirt, it would have been a lot simpler to have just moved house than to try and clean it, and so I made a note in my diary to contact the Estate Agent in 2031 so that I don’t have to go through the whole flippin’ rigmarole again.