Just call me q

A woman contemplating life, incognito

Introducing 2-D Topiary (aka Mowing Shapes On Your Lawn)


Well, I must say that I am very excited to have recently discovered a new and (I think very much) improved way of gardening, thanks to an interesting article that I read by an entomologist called Douglas Boyes called Obsessive Tidiness Disorder.

Yes, he suggested that we learn to stop worrying about the state of our garden/farm-land/public green space and start to love nature in all its messiness instead. (Fine by me; I love messy.)

Photo of two pink Don Featherstone lawn flamingos in a garden
ALL of my garden is messy so I can only show you this bit, soz…

He also said – with reference to our gardens – that if we purposely neaten parts of it (for example, have an area of short grass or tidy edges) then the areas that have been left wild will look acceptable too.

spring flowers grape hyacinths daffodils cartoon

And so, inspired by this fantastic read, I have decided to #saynotothemow in various part of my garden to encourage birds and bees and, well, anything that wants to pop by, really.

Photo of grass with the words #saynotothemow on it

I am also going to fully embrace the idea of 2-D Topiary (I’m gonna trade-mark that, by the way) aka Horizontal Topiary (that too) aka mowing shapes on your lawn (but not that) and I am extremely excited about it.

Cartoon picture of the word 2-D Topiary (with TM beside it)

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go because I’ve got the mower on stand-by and a giant piece of tracing paper in the shape of a flamingo pinned to the back lawn. Yep…Wish me luck!

Cartoon picture of a stick person mowing the lawn with a piece of tracing paper on the grass in the shape of a flamingo

Today I’m thinking about bees…


Today I’m thinking about bees…

because I’ve got some in the roof-space of my summer house and I’m too scared to go in there in-case they attack me.

Cartoon picture of bumble bees flying towards a summer house with speech bubbles

I’ve done a Google search and – I’m not 100% sure but – I think that they might be bumblebees (rather than honey bees) because they’re round and fluffy, they have black bodies with a yellow stripe and a big white bottom. (Actually, that last bit sounds like me. Perhaps I’m part bumblebee… Mmm, maybe I should get my family tree checked out, you know, to make sure there are no nests in there…)

Cartoon picture pf a bumble bee talking with speech bubble

Anyway, I’ve decided to get a registered beekeeper to come out and take a look because if they are bumble bees then they’re classified as an endangered species and that means they’re going to have to stay there for the duration. (Great. How am I gonna get my inflatable flamingo out of the summer house now, then?)

Photo of a sad-looking inflatable flamingo on water with cartoon speech bubble

And then, if they turn out to be honey bees, I’m going to have to empty the summer house, disconnect the strip lighting and then saw a hole in the ceiling so that the beekeeper can get the (lovely) little blighters out so he can take them back to his hive. Arghh. I don’t know which one’s worse. Actually, yes I do: the second one. The absolute faff of it all.

Cartoon picture of person holding a hammer and saw and cartoon speech bubble

Still, at least it’ll give me the opportunity to ask the bloke the following Very Important Questions:

a) What do I do if they go to attack me (apart from run round the garden screaming hysterically)?

b) How can I encourage them to come back next summer but in a different location?

and top of the list…

c) On a scale of 1-10 how embarrassed do you think they are about having such big, white bottoms?!

Cartoon picture of a bee's behind with speech bubble talking