As you know, I have already revealed that my feet are flat and that I have ginormously big big toes, but here is a list of all the other things that are wrong with my trotters:
1) The rest of my toes are actually quite abnormally long too BUT I have perfected the art of curling them elegantly yet tightly underneath themselves so that they look half their actual length. It’s complete agony but it works.
2) I am the proud owner of a family of veruccae that go back six generations.
3) The ridges in my toenails are deeper than even the deepest Atlantic oceanic trench… but I’ve yet to see an angler fish in them.
4) I have a recurring fungal nail infection that I’m sure, if I got up early enough, I could collect mushrooms from.
5) The skin underneath my feet is harder than a mountain goat’s hoof… and just as yellow.
6) I have a bunion the size of a pickled onion; and I’m not talking the silverskin kind.
(Look how I have cunningly disguised my bunion
to blend in with the weave of my plastic garden rug..)
But the above list is not what I want to confess.
What I want to confess is that I can’t stand touching other people’s feet.