Imagine a torso sitting ‘atop two parsnips…
Well, that’s me.
I have the most incredibly spindly ankles but – as you work your way up my legs – they widen out continuously until – BOOM!!! (thick thighs) – they’ve more than quadrupled in size. In fact, if I were mathematical (which I’m not), I’d have to say that you’d be looking at a ratio of at least 6:1. (No, really.)
And it’s annoying because people who don’t know me tend to think that, because of my cocktail stick-like ankles* (and because I hide my botty so well), I’m skinny all over… but I’m not!
They don’t realize that, underneath my (carefully selected) clothing, hide
Actually, I’ve jazzed them up a little bit too much. Underneath my (carefully selected) clothing hide
Actually, I confess, I haven’t jazzed them up at all. If you look very closely at the piccy above you will see that – instead of my pins – I have, in fact, substituted a couple of real parsnips. (No, look closely… I have.)
And, sadly, as a result of being the unfortunate owner of a pair of pastinaca sativas (as they say in latin), I find that following fashion is nigh on impossible.
Patterned tights, for example, are out: the distortion of the stretched fabric once past the knees? (Say no more.)
Leggings, jeggings or any other type of lower-body clothing with lycra in it are out too. The ‘give’ in the material is… what can I say? – truly unforgiving.
And as for flares, well, because it’s practically impossible to predict when their endless yards of material are going to billow and wrap themselves around the most bizarrely disproportionate and, quite frankly, freakiest-looking part of my body (thus accentuating the problem), I can never truly relax in them.
So, yes, ummm… forgive me if I say it again – won’t you? – but… it’s not easy having the lower limbs of root vegetable.
*Sorry, I couldn’t find a cocktail stick so I had to use a plastic flamingo pick instead. I would absolutely ♥ love ♥ to have legs shaped like a plastic flamingo stick… but without the bird at the top, obvs.